and while pregnant too!
I just want to acknowledge how blessed I am.
The last big snowfall we had (last week) was a multi-day affair but the bulk of the snow fell mid-day. 
helloheather was out in the driveway with the snow-blower keeping it ice and snow free.
And this isn't the first time this winter she's done that.
She rocks.
Nathan at Three
I've been struggling with what to say to describe Nate at three years of age. I read through "Nathan at Two" and was intimidated by my own post. I really like it; it was written from the heart and with very little editing. The words swept onto the page.
We've had a busy late spring/summer. It's been difficult to sit down for a bit and contemplate his 3rd year.
Nate is three years-old now. When I think about his first few weeks after his birth I can't help but think of the blooming of the hostas in our yard. I think about, of all things, the All Star Game and the night I sat watching the tv with him, fast asleep, on a pillow on my lap, the sun setting behind our linden tree and the warm air skittering in through the open patio door. He was so small...so fragile...and I was so afraid.
And now, as the hostas again are blooming, he sits and reads books with us. Now he asks question after question after question to the point where he has so much momentum going that he'll ask us things like "what's 'milk' means?" even though he has been drinking milk for two years. He is amazingly curious and perceptive. He knows, right away, when helloheather and I are starting to have an argument and does everything he can to stop it or distract us. It's sobering and sometimes frightens me to think of what else he has absorbed and is absorbing.
As most children his age, he pushes the boundaries. We try very hard to respond appropriately to these forays into freedom. We try to be firm but fair and we try to be instructive throughout. It's tough though and sometimes we fail. If nothing else, Nate keeps us on our toes.
His love for books continues unabated. We seem to run through these phases where I forget how much he loves to read and we end up playing cars or pirates or "chase me" or whatever game he wants and then have only time for a single book in the evening. So the pendulum will swing back and we'll end up reading a dozen books together and he'll ask questions the whole time through. He doesn't just sit there and have a book read to him...he participates and he is engaged.
He's figuring out the rules of this universe, and we're trying to figure him out as well. He's so enthusiastic that sometimes it takes my breath away. Happy Birthday, Nate.
big river
I put Johnny Cash's "Live at San Quentin" album (the 2000 re-issue) in the CD player tonight while Nate and I were hanging out and playing.
After the first track, "Big River" finished, Nate, who had been quiet, (as he often is when listening to music new to him) suddenly said "He's real real happy."
That boy amazes me almost every day.
holding on
The other day, Nate fell asleep clutching my hand to his body as if it were a stuffed toy. I marvel at the simplicity of this act and power that it has over my psyche.
He is so full of energy and of life. His joy seems limitless and his innocence is infectious. I want so much to write down and preserve all that he's doing right now...it is the source of so much amazement in my life... I can feel it all slipping away so very quickly.
....
It will not be long before affection from his father will be looked upon as a burden...something to suffer through... I will love him and He will, God willing, love me, but not as a boy...as a man. I know it's absurd, but I lament this change already, if only because I cherish it so much right now.
This is a rambling mess of an entry, I apologize. The words are just not coming together.
Audra Mae's cover of "Forever Young."
May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young."Forever Young" - Bob Dylan
it is not a slight thing
"I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us." - Charles Dickens
Nathan at Two
Nate turned two years old on June 30th. Two years since he changed our lives forever. Two years of growth for him and two years of excitement and fear for me.
He is an amazing child, of course, being the son of helloheather. He knows nearly every letter of the alphabet and only occasionally mixes one letter for another. He's been able to count to ten for a while now and he can count to twenty with some prompting. There's no way for me to catalog the number of words he can say...he picks them up with the same ease he picks up sticks in our yard. The other morning (while on vacation actually) I showed him a picture of an avocado and told him the word once. That night he pointed to it and said "abbecaado." I was stunned.
He's patient and polite and he wants to be everyones friend. It crushes me when he greets a slightly older child (3, 4 years) with enthusiasm and a big smile on his face and receives nothing but a disinterested look in return (if he gets a look at all). I want to say to the other child's parents: "what's wrong with you that you can't teach your kid some manners?" Not once has the parent of the other child asked them to return the basic kindness. I worry that Nate will soon pick up on this and be discouraged.
Nathan rarely walks: he runs and runs with gusto. He explores and explores again. "Leave no stone unturned" is a mantra that he keeps close to his heart. He greets me every night with babbles of joy and tales of his day. I wish I knew what he was saying but then I think how wonderful it is to have that little bit of mystery.
I could go on and on about him...he is such a source of both happiness and stress in my life. He daily pushes me into new experiences and new struggles. My heart is torn by thoughts of him growing up and shocked by how much growing-up has already happened. I look back at photos of him from a year ago and struggle to remember how things were before. His second year has been a whirlwind of development in every way possible.
I've uploaded a selection of photos from the past year of Nate. They are sorted in reverse chronological order. Some of the photographs have context and others do not. The album can be seen here:
http://www.bernhard.us/photos/nathan-age1
Perhaps a better way to view these images would be to view the gallery in slide show mode:
http://www.bernhard.us/photos/slideshow.php?set_albumName=nathan-age1
With thanks
I cannot express to you, dear reader, how much crap (both literal and figurative) helloheather has had to deal with over the past 8 days. I cannot describe how much work this has all been and how it continues to be. I cannot begin to illuminate you on how bad she feels in her belief that she allowed others to become sick because of us. (A belief I do not share.)
What I can tell you, however, is how grateful I am to have someone as strong and as smart and as compassionate as helloheather in my life. Someone who has taken all that this illness has thrown at her (and continues to throw at her), and yet remains dedicated, caring, optimistic, and loving.
I am blessed.
Chris and Hilary’s Wedding
helloheather covered the 4 days rather well, I think and included some nice photos. I will probably write up something later, but for now, I think her stream-of-consciousness approach mirrors how I felt time went. It was hectic and crazy and fun and hectic and crazy fun all over again. I think I will start using "HCF" to describe similar events. Sorta like "Crazy Go Nuts."
Four
Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Happy Anniversary Heather.
Love,
Rob
a quiet moment
Saturday evening, after Aaron, Serena, and Charlotte had left and after the sun had set, Nathan and I were in the living room playing. As he usually does, he was crawling all over the place, paying particular attention to his little toy piano. Watching him while lying on my stomach on the floor, I was experiencing quite a bit of melancholy.
A rather heartfelt and simple song by Kate Walsh came up on the playlist on the stereo and Nathan paused in his play. He sat calm and quiet for a bit, looking around and looking at me. He sometimes does this when we're listening to music, especially with acoustic songs...just sits and listens. It was during this song that, for whatever reason, I was feeling my lowest.
As if to counter-point my feelings, Nathan did an extraordinary thing. He looked right at me and clapped his hands. Just like that, just at that moment...
I was overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't move a muscle, to see if perhaps I had been mistaken or if I had somehow misinterpreted what he had done...and so he did it again. And again. He just looked at me and clapped in that i-just-learned-how-to-clap sort of way.
As feelings of love, wonderment, and excitement washed over me, I still didn't move. I didn't call for helloheather (who was in the next room) nor did I pick him up and hug him. I didn't want to break the spell, I didn't want the moment to end.
It's truly bizarre how something so small can have such a profound impact on my psyche. As Nathan approaches his tenth month I can only hope to have more of these amazing moments.
Six Months
I find it difficult to believe that six months ago I met Nathan for the first time. Six months ago he stared and stared at me while gripping my fingers as I stood by him in utter shock and amazement. Six months later he is sitting in my lap pulling wrapping paper off of presents, starting to babble, has two teeth, and is soon to start solid foods.
I have no idea how we got here so quickly and I cannot image how rapidly the next six months will progress.
Happy 6-month Birthday Nathan!
For Heather
Companionship - 2006
When I photographed this scene, I realized that I want to be this couple. Years from now, I want to be with you, close together, looking through windows at puppies up for adoption.
A mattress had just met a robot.
Nathan turned 2 months old yesterday. As a reward he was taken from the safety and security of his home and had three needles jammed into his thighs.
Vaccinations are very important. And, of course, I want my child to be safe from the many diseases that had been eradicated before the recent hysteria brought on by pseudo-science allowed things like measles and mumps to gain a foot-hold...again.
In essence, these vaccinations are as much protections against stupidity as they are diseases.
But even with all this in mind, it's still not easy to knowingly have your child hurt, even if it is over within a matter of 30 seconds.
Nathan was much more fussy last night than in recent times. He protested loudly whenever I would try and hold him, and infant Tylenol seemed to last for only two of the four hours one must wait before administering more.
I'm rather surprised at my level of emotions regarding this. I feel...changed somehow. And that Nathan has changed too. A threshold greater than a measurement of time has been crossed and it is causing bizarre emotions. I'm sure that, when distilled down, it's simply a matter of love. Each day I love my son more and more. The smiles and happy baby noises I receive in return are such an amazing reward.
I’m someones father…?
Nathan has been home from the hospital for a week now, which is a good a time as any to reflect on what's been going on with our lives.
I'm overwhelmed at underwhelmed at the same time to try and explain what's been happening. Broadly, he's a baby: he eats, he poops, he sleeps.
But then there are small events like, him sleeping in my arms last night for a good 2 hours during part of the All Star game. Or watching helloheather getting more confident with nursing him. Or the fussiness he exhibits and how we found the swing we're borrowing from twench and whippetgirl to be a very helpful tool to calm him down. Or how he's now twice peed in my hands while I was changing him, and once in his own face (poor guy).
Parenthood, as I was warned, is a lot of work. I wasn't really prepared for how much work it is, but I think we're learning more and doing a little better each day. Heck, as helloheather pointed out, the three of us even made a non-required trip out to grab some food at Culvers yesterday.
Over-used though it may be, "one day at a time" is the key for us so far. Learn a little more, work a little harder, try and shower before 3pm...It's all relative I guess.
helloheather and I tried to take photos for a birth announcement today. So far, results have been dismal by most anyones standards. I think it might be a case of trying too hard. The other problem, of course, is that we don't have any good north-facing windows that would allow us to get the kind of light we're both looking for. But, thankfully with digital, the cost-per-shot is nearly zero.
Sort of a rambling post, but that's how my brain feels today. Hope everyone else is doing well. helloheather and I are trying to keep up, somewhat, with emails and friends-lists. So we've probably read what you've written but not had much of a chance to fully digest it.
Speaking of which, I need some lunch.