no no noway noway
I've neglected blogging here for seven months and I'm not even sure why. Every time I tried to sit down to write, the posts felt incomplete or shallow.
But my lack of blogging has also meant that I've not written anything about the amazing girl that has sprung forth from infant-hood. I really regret not seizing verbal snapshots and snippets of Lily's second year and putting them here in this blog for as much me to remember, as others to read.
Lily has certainly not lost her independent streak. No, far from waning, it's redoubled as she approaches two. The subject line is, or at least was until very recently, her very, very favorite thing to say.
NO NO NOWAY NOWAY
But she's oh so daring on her own. Fearless in the face of most things (except for the time I accidentally scared her and she went running from the room) and smart as a whip. She recognized (uppercase, of course), and could say, every letter in the alphabet by 19 months and numbers one through ten followed shortly thereafter. Lately she's been doing a little sing-song-y counting from one to fifteen.
Earlier in 2011 I was, as is typical of me, a little worried about her lack of interest in books. It was such a contrast from Nate at the same age. But that has completely changed and she is a voracious consumer of books. Every time we hang out in the front room she brings me book after book to read.
But in some ways, the past 10 months have not been a lot different than the first 12. She still goes to bed soon after I arrive home from work and as a result, I still get to see and interact with her, at most, an hour a day during the work week. And during that time I'm also trying to eat dinner, interact with Nate and Heather. There is no point in trying to keep her awake later, because she is clearly done for the day and that would be selfish of me. When she doesn't nap, she's in bed 30 minutes after I arrive home. And with work being the way it has been, there have been times when I have not seen her for more than 48 hours, despite living in the same house.
This is the real reason for my regret in not blogging: I know I have forgotten hosts of small special moments of the time I do have with her. My brain just will not retain them (and I do try to store, I really do). And while my New Years Resolution to blog more has not gotten off to a good start, I hope this is the first step to meeting it and thereby helping my own brain remember the times I do have with her.
Wherein I’m no longer wearing a winter hat but am waving a flag
The storms on Sunday were quite intense. We were driving down to my parents in Elgin to have a Memorial Day party and were caught in some of the most intense rain I've been in in many years. Streets were flooded, ditches were running over the tops of roads, dogs and cats were living together, mass hysteria. Or maybe it was just a lot of rain, lightning, and thunder.
Anyway, the quick jump to 90 deg yesterday was nice. A bit hot when mowing the lawn but I'll take it over having to wear winter clothes at the end of May.
We all went to the Crystal Lake Memorial Day parade yesterday. That was a lot of fun. Pretty short but, for Nate and Lily, just the right length. We parked in the train station parking lot and literally walked 10 feet forward to put our chairs in the shade right along the parade route. We brought water and snacks but still, I walked down the street to get popcorn from Pop's Corn Crib (a CL staple). I bought flags for the kids to wave [which lasted for all of 2 minutes 
]. Three marching bands, lots and lots of Cub and Boy Scouts, veterans, and police and fire. Lily was not sure what to make of it all and just stared and stared; Nate was pretty good but was a little intimidated by the loudness of the marching band so hung back a bit.
Looks like the warm weather should stick with us for this week. Hopefully that will translate into productive play (and some yard work) in the evenings.
Family Vacation
We headed out to northern Virginia last week (April 15-22), giving Lily her first trip on an airplane. Both kids, all things considered, did very well. Nate loved the flight but sadly didn't get a window seat either there or back. (The way out we were stuck looking at an engine anyway, so no loss there.) Lily was pretty bored, sitting in her car seat for much of the time. On the return flight she would have slept through the whole thing were it no for a very loud announcement from the flight crew.
We flew out of Milwaukee (MKE) again and, like the previous time, it was a huge success. The airport is small but well staffed; the lines were very short; parking is a breeze; and given traffic conditions most of the time, it's about as long a drive to there as it is to ORD from Crystal Lake.
It was very nice to see all our friends gathered together again. I wish we all had more time together. We stayed the rest of the week and made a proper vacation out of it and I'm very glad we did. It was relaxing and felt very much like home thanks to our hosts. We did things in VA and DC but not lots of things. I wish I was still there.
Of course, a post from me would not be complete without some mention of photography. Some great opportunities all week and few prints will be made. I have an image of one of the kids in particular (from the weekend) that, even for all my own self-criticism, is pretty darn good. (Also, our Canon T1i counter rolled over 10,000 during the trip. I sure do love the freedom of digital!)
headlong into the future
Lily is turning 1 in just a few hours. It's hard to resolve this in my mind.
This past year has been a lot of work. I love my daughter, so very much, but I've spent so many days this past year arriving home within 20 to 30 minutes of her needing to go to sleep that I feel like I barely know her. There have been times when I've not seen her for 36 hours, despite being in the same home. And so the moment I get a bead on what she's doing, where I think she's going, she's off in another, unexpected, direction. She is head-strong & stubborn, adventurous & loving, opinionated & mischievous. She is our daughter and she is Nate's sister.
Happy Birthday, Lillian Claire. I know this next year will be as interesting as the first. My only wish is that you and I can connect and get to know each other a lot more.
Forty Thousand and One
Last Saturday (02/19) our Canon XT took its 40,000th photo. We purchased it in February 2006 in anticipation of Nate's birth that June. (This was our first digital SLR, but not our first digital camera.) Cliché, to be sure, but how life has changed since then!
After photographing Nate in the morning at a "Saturday Morning Science" event at his preschool, I knew I had only a few frames remaining before hitting that 40K mark. So I asked Nate to sit with Lily on his bed and shot the next few. At 40,000 Nate had his eyes closed, so here is 40,001.
Nate and Lily in Nate's Room
As an aside, since buying our first digital camera we've taken ~91,400 digital photos. This doesn't include photos taken with others cameras nor does it include film photos that have been scanned. That's an average of 34 photos a day, every day, since Dec 1, 2003.
tentative first steps
Lily has started walking. (Cue old fears re: head bonks).
At least, I'm calling it walking. She's taking 2 or 3 steps from either our hands to supports (tables, chairs, walls, etc) or from object to object. She's able to stand on her own—when she thinks about it—for about 20 seconds or so. But usually she just slowly collapses as she forgets she's not leaning against anything.
So, she's very keen to be mobile. She's very keen to do a lot, actually. She wants any food item we have; wants to be constantly told about the art and object hanging on our walls, cabinets, and fridge; does not want to sit on your lap unless she's really tired or sad; wants to put anything she can pick up into her mouth, but in particular any of Nate's matchbox or similar cars; wants that stuffed toy on the shelf, now that one, now that other one, now that one too, and now the one that makes noise; etc.
She's inquisitive, eager, and generally (when not saddled with a cold like she is right now), a pretty happy baby.
She also really really loves Nate. And he really wants an older playmate...not there yet, but Lily is certainly on her way.
(and yet again, 
helloheather and I end up posting very similar topics on the same day by chance. Not planned, honest.)
(edit: ok, i just now...NOW...noticed that my post about Lily's birth listed her birth date as August 2nd... this post, over here. seriously. wtf?)
Christmas 2010
And so we arrive on the other side of the stupendous Bernhard Christmas Season (it's really a season for us): 6 gatherings, 4 big meals, lots of laughter and many many photos snapped. (Who me?!)
Lily made it through her first Christmas season fairly well. Despite being carted around and having dozens of people interact with her, she mostly maintained her chipper spirits and will-do attitude. She wasn't so much interested in opening presents and more interested in grabbing whatever Nate was opening, who in-turn was interested in opening both his and Lily's gifts, so it worked out in a circular-sort-of-way.
Nate seemed to enjoy himself as well. This is the first Christmas that he's been super excited about Santa. He became very shy (heartbreakingly so) when meeting Santa in downtown CL last week; you could just see the awe. After all our family events though, I could tell that he was ready to be done. This made yesterday's day off nice. He and I got out in the snow for some great play yesterday evening and hopefully we can do it again next Monday.
One of the gifts Heather and I gave each other were two large prints that we'll have professionally framed. I'm really looking forward to completing this and getting them up on the wall. The prints look great and I'm inspired to do more printing in 2011.
Usually I'd be on vacation for the rest of the year, but with the time I took off when Lily was born, I'm at work for 3 days this week. It's a little strange riding a fairly empty train and having so few people in the office. I feel like I missed a memo or a major news item or something.
I hope everyone else had a good Christmas and here's to the new year: 2011 should be interesting indeed.
Lily’s First Snow
It snowed this morning and there was enough sticking to go out and have a little fun. Nate got a couple rides on the sled and Lily either was in our arms or plopped on the lawn. She was interested and pretty happy with the whole affair.
Interestingly enough, our first snow of the year Nate was born was also Dec 1st, but then it was like 12" in 1 day. We didn't take Nate outside to experience it until Dec 7th:
http://helloheather.livejournal.com/404451.html
I makes me immensely happy to have photos of both kids in the same snowsuit.
Seven months in 30 minute increments
It wasn't planned but I'm a weekend father. I've watched my daughter grow up in 30 minute increments five days a week.
Because she wakes up so early she is, essentially, done for the day by 6:30pm. Unfortunately, I don't arrive home from work until 6:00pm. And in that time I try and change, eat dinner, say more than "hello" to helloheather and try and reconnect with Nate.
It's really hard to try and fit in quality Lily time as well. Most mornings I have some time, as helloheather often brings her into our room to wake me up. So, when you add it all up, I see her for about 30 minutes a day during the week. For the past two months or so I just give up dinner in favor of interacting with her and playing with Nate whenever possible. If Lily's had a rough day and not napped well, she'll be asleep before I get home so I don't see her for 24 hours.
This is a real struggle, because Lily is growing up so fast. She's been crawling for a while and is now pulling herself up to standing on nearly everything and everyone she can. She's already moving (literally) into the next big stage of her babyhood. With Nate, I had so much more time with him...I felt like I knew so much more about him by now. With Lily, I feel like a frequent visitor.
Part of my struggle too, is discovering the subtle (and not so subtle) ways she is different than Nate. I'm not so much expecting her to be like Nate was at this age; it's more that I'm surprised at the differences and feel like I should have a better understanding of who she is. This is silly, of course, because who she is is a baby constantly learning, adapting, and changing.
So, despite the cliché: the weekends matter. They matter a lot.
unlocked
I'm happy to have left LiveJournal for regular posting. But I miss one features: friends-only posting. The only way to do that on my blog would be to provide people with their own usernames and passwords, which is just silly.
So this summer, which has been difficult, has seen a number of draft posts written and discarded for just such a reason. (This is really why I've not been updating the blog...because I can't figure out how to say what it is that I want to say.)
And now, despite the difficulties we've had, I don't want summer to be over. I am not ready for fall. I need more time in shorts; more time at a pool or at a beach; more time being warm. I definitely need more time to visit with people. (It's only slightly ironic that I completely forgot about Valpo's homecoming this weekend. 
)
But fall is here. Schools are in session. Lives are busy. The autumnal equinox was this week and the days are already so much shorter. As a result outdoor evening activities are becoming less and less frequent. I just feel like I'm losing time while losing the light.
So it goes.
warmth
It's not always easy, commuting for more than two and a half hours a day. That's a lot of time spent away from home; away from family; away from what I want to be doing.
So, while Nate and I were outside in the twilight of the evening, enjoying the campfire we put together in the backyard, I was able to reflect a bit on what living where we do provides for us. I'm happy at and in my home; warts, responsibilities, commutes, campfires, and all.
Nathan at Four
Today Nate turned four years-old and, unlike many days in the past month, it wasn't as difficult as it could have been. Summer camp actually went well, without us getting a phone call or a note sent home; there were only two or three complete meltdowns without the slightest provocation; and there was very little talking back.
I'm not sure what happened to my little boy, but something significant has changed. Maybe it's the age, maybe it's the pressure from Lily's birth, maybe it's the sudden discontinuation of naps, maybe it's something we're doing wrong. Or maybe it's all of those things and more.
I've not written anything in a long while for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I don't have anything to say that wouldn't sound selfish and lame. There is no doubt that, compared to a huge percentage of the world, I am a very, very blessed man. And for me to complain about our problems at home or my problems at work seems arrogant at best. But that doesn't make the struggle any less of a struggle.
I love him so very much. I wish I could figure out what's wrong and help him (and us) through this change. But most of the time I am floundering and gasping for air.
We're still trying though.
Edit/Update: It seems really unfair of me to focus on just this past month and just the problems of this past month at that. I'm going to write something more balanced in a couple days.
Lily update
Lily had her 1 month check-up yesterday. She's now up to 10 lbs exactly and has grown to be 21.5 inches long. The doctor was impressed.
Evenings continue to be a struggle but for the most part she's a pretty content baby. She (of course) has recognized helloheather from very early on, but now recognizes Nate (and looks for him if he disappears from her field of view) as well as me.
She's also starting to recognize objects from around the house. The old clock in the family room, the bird mobile above her changing table.
Things are happening more quickly than I remember with Nate. I'm surprised, honestly surprised, that she's now a month old.
four at four weeks
Lily is four weeks old today. I've been back at work for two weeks now and life has proven to be...challenging.
I'm still amazed that we have another child. It feels so different from when Nate was a newborn: helloheather and I could concentrate 100% on him when we wanted to. With Lily, I feel a lot like the 3rd wheel (despite clearly being the 4th...) in our family. Nate takes a lot of energy and time and with Lily nursing, there's very little time for me to spend with her.
In many ways, she feels like a stranger. It doesn't help that I don't get much of a chance to photograph her. I think with Nate I got to know him, in part, by simply observing and photographing him. And it doesn't help that, most nights, she cries from about 6pm (when I get home) until about 10pm.
But last night she was content and happy. Last night she fell asleep in my arms (and against my chest) as I walked around while helloheather and Nate ate dinner. And last night helloheather took some photos of us.
We're having a visit from friends a couple times next week, which will be great. Then Lily's baptism-combination-Mother's-Day-celebration with family on the weekend.
And we will see how the next month progresses. I'm hopeful we can help Lily adjust more in the evenings and figure out how we can become a better family of four.
Lillian Claire photos
Lillian Claire Bernhard
Born: April 2nd
Weight: 7lbs 14oz
Length: 19"
I'm working on a larger post about Lillian's birth but it's been slow going. I have, however, been able to upload photos from our stay in the hospital. No captions yet, but I'm working on those.
http://bernhard.us/photos/v/family/lillian/lillian-birth/
