Nathan at Four
Today Nate turned four years-old and, unlike many days in the past month, it wasn't as difficult as it could have been. Summer camp actually went well, without us getting a phone call or a note sent home; there were only two or three complete meltdowns without the slightest provocation; and there was very little talking back.
I'm not sure what happened to my little boy, but something significant has changed. Maybe it's the age, maybe it's the pressure from Lily's birth, maybe it's the sudden discontinuation of naps, maybe it's something we're doing wrong. Or maybe it's all of those things and more.
I've not written anything in a long while for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I don't have anything to say that wouldn't sound selfish and lame. There is no doubt that, compared to a huge percentage of the world, I am a very, very blessed man. And for me to complain about our problems at home or my problems at work seems arrogant at best. But that doesn't make the struggle any less of a struggle.
I love him so very much. I wish I could figure out what's wrong and help him (and us) through this change. But most of the time I am floundering and gasping for air.
We're still trying though.
Edit/Update: It seems really unfair of me to focus on just this past month and just the problems of this past month at that. I'm going to write something more balanced in a couple days.
Lily update
Lily had her 1 month check-up yesterday. She's now up to 10 lbs exactly and has grown to be 21.5 inches long. The doctor was impressed. 
Evenings continue to be a struggle but for the most part she's a pretty content baby. She (of course) has recognized 
helloheather from very early on, but now recognizes Nate (and looks for him if he disappears from her field of view) as well as me.
She's also starting to recognize objects from around the house. The old clock in the family room, the bird mobile above her changing table.
Things are happening more quickly than I remember with Nate. I'm surprised, honestly surprised, that she's now a month old.
four at four weeks
Lily is four weeks old today. I've been back at work for two weeks now and life has proven to be...challenging.
I'm still amazed that we have another child. It feels so different from when Nate was a newborn: helloheather and I could concentrate 100% on him when we wanted to. With Lily, I feel a lot like the 3rd wheel (despite clearly being the 4th...) in our family. Nate takes a lot of energy and time and with Lily nursing, there's very little time for me to spend with her.
In many ways, she feels like a stranger. It doesn't help that I don't get much of a chance to photograph her. I think with Nate I got to know him, in part, by simply observing and photographing him. And it doesn't help that, most nights, she cries from about 6pm (when I get home) until about 10pm.
But last night she was content and happy. Last night she fell asleep in my arms (and against my chest) as I walked around while helloheather and Nate ate dinner. And last night helloheather took some photos of us.
We're having a visit from friends a couple times next week, which will be great. Then Lily's baptism-combination-Mother's-Day-celebration with family on the weekend.
And we will see how the next month progresses. I'm hopeful we can help Lily adjust more in the evenings and figure out how we can become a better family of four.
Lillian Claire photos
Lillian Claire Bernhard
Born: August 2nd
Weight: 7lbs 14oz
Length: 19"
I'm working on a larger post about Lillian's birth but it's been slow going. I have, however, been able to upload photos from our stay in the hospital. No captions yet, but I'm working on those.
http://bernhard.us/photos/v/family/lillian/lillian-birth/
wherein life stresses me out…
It's been a complex and difficult couple of weeks.
We've had a family member pass away suddenly and unexpectedly. We've had other family members hospitalized and/or have medical procedures. We've had family members lose their jobs. We've had medical problems ourselves, some of which are still unresolved.
We have stress thinking about the pending birth of our second child (a child who still doesn't have a name) and the changes that will bring.
Oh, and our cat is sick. She has to be put on an even more special food than what she's already been taking and will start getting cortisone shots which, if the diagnosis is wrong, could actually make things worse.
I'm trying to think positively though. I'm still employed and financially things are improving for the company. Also the company went 100% business casual which is a nice change. The weather has been improving and I've been able to get out during lunch. Also bernhard.us et al will be migrated to new servers in a couple weeks which should make things much faster and more stable.
familial update
We received very little of the big snow fall that came through the Chicago area. In part because a lot of it was due to lake effect and in part because the storm seems to have tracked further south. But even so, people on the south side of Crystal Lake got more snow than we did, so we must have been right on the edge of a snowy band.
Nate went through a growth spurt not too long ago, where he grew over an inch in just 2.5 weeks. He was hungry all the time (no wonder) but now the appetite is more normal, so I think things have slowed.
I made a ha-ha-lame joke last night about how it's better to be European than Europoopin' and then had to explain the joke to Nate. He loved it and I'm just such a great dad, right? (You should have seen the look helloheather gave me...)
Nate's time at his new preschool seems to be going very well. A small class of kids more his age was definitely a good change. Our school-art-on-display collection is growing again, which I love. Having stuff on the cabinets, doors, etc. is so cool. When helloheather cleaned house (we had completely run out of space to display stuff) it felt so empty and naked in the kitchen.
Child number two is rapidly approaching his or her birthday. We've changed doctors (yes, somewhat late in the game) but we're both very glad we have. The previous practice was not being supportive or informative. The new doctor also delivers at the hospital 5 minutes from our house rather than the one 25 minutes away. An added bonus.
My parents (and paternal grandfather) felt the 3.8 earthquake we had in northern Illinois on February 10th. They were only 5 miles away from the epicenter though. People as far away as Madison, WI felt the quake actually, but neither helloheather or I woke up.
We did have an addition to our family, photographically speaking, at Christmas. Thanks to a generous gift, we're now the owners of a Canon T1i Digital Rebel. It's a very good upgrade to the Rebel XT that we've been using since 2006. The auto-focus is faster, the ISO range expanded, a bigger and brighter viewfinder, the shutter is quieter, and it has a big and detailed LCD. Exciting stuff.
on fort building
helloheather went on a retreat to Oregon, IL this past weekend, being gone from Friday evening until late Saturday evening (having driven 2 hours in the fog at a snails pace).
This was the first time Nate and I were home alone.
We did not thwart the bumbling efforts of two would-be criminal types. John Hughes would not have been impressed.
Still, we had fun. I built a fort in our front room on Friday night and Nate and I had a camp-out. He did ask if we were going to have a camp-fire but alas, prudence dictated no open flame in the foyer.
I built our fort out of the kitchen chairs, a blanket, a couple strong clips, and our Therm-a-rest (tm) sleeping pads. It was fun. I have very fond memories of my dad building me a fort like this when I was a kid and it was nice to be able to do this for Nate.
Most of the time we just hung out. We played a lot of Cars (tm) which he's /really/ into right now. This was, in part, because I gave him a new car ("Sheriff") as a gift for the weekend. We also visited with another dad, who's wife was on the weekend retreat, and had lunch with him at the Burger King (which has a play area).
We had so much fun with the fort that we slept there again Saturday night, even though helloheather had returned home.
and while pregnant too!
I just want to acknowledge how blessed I am.
The last big snowfall we had (last week) was a multi-day affair but the bulk of the snow fell mid-day. helloheather was out in the driveway with the snow-blower keeping it ice and snow free.
And this isn't the first time this winter she's done that.
She rocks.
catch-up post #n
I was off work from December 23rd through January 4th and it was a really great. helloheather and Nate and I relaxed and spent a lot of quality time together.
Christmas was busy, as usual, with events every day from the 24th through the 27th. But, despite the big snowfall, and the driving around, it was really all very good. Nate was a trouper and really seemed to enjoy visiting the family. Lots of photos need to be posted.
We visited the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum after Christmas, mostly to see the Butterfly Haven they have there. I really thought Nate would enjoy it, but he was not impressed. There were other exhibits he liked though, and overall the visit was a good one. Also, with so many people being off work the week between Christmas and New Years, we had no problems driving into and out of Chicago.
Nate and I also spent a lot of time outside in the snow over break, which was really great. I'm very glad we've had all the snow and that it's been cold enough to keep it from melting. Though, I did hear on the news last night that, if it warms up on Wednesday or Thursday, it'll be the first time since Christmas that we've been at or above 32 deg F. So, it's been a little chilly!
Being back at work for a full week (last week) was tough. It's really easy to get into a habit of being lazy and family-oriented around the house and very difficult to get back into work-mode mentality. However, I've managed to chase the mid-day blues away a bit by bringing a DSLR to work and walking around in the cold and snow. Boots and thermals have been a must.
So 2010 is here and the end of March is rapidly approaching. I'm still not really ready for all of this but it's certainly not waiting for me to catch up.
Our Chicago Vacation
helloheather's cousin Peter was married (almost) a month ago in Chicago. We decided that, because we did not have an "away" vacation this summer, we would make one out of the wedding weekend. I took the Friday off and we zipped downtown to The Palmer House Hotel.
Friday afternoon we headed over to Millennium Park. It was misting out but we still had a good time. We saw Cloud Gate, the fountains, the temporary Burnham Pavilions, and climbed the new bridge to the Modern wing of the Art Institute.
Friday evening, we were invited to the reversal dinner so we all hopped on the Red Line and headed north. Nate was treated to the quintessential public transit experience: a very loud and annoying (and young) Baptist preacher telling us we are all evil in everything we do and we're going to hell. Nate took it all in stride and eventually ignored the guy. On the way back to the hotel we were treated to slightly inebriated college students. The circle was complete.
Saturday morning we took a cab over to the Field Museum. Nate really enjoyed Sue the T-Rex and some of the other skeletons he saw, but for the most part the museum was over his head. We ran from room to room (he was setting the pace) and eventually decided we were all done for the day. The cab ride back was fun, and the driver quite taken by Nate. When we stopped at the light in front of the Art Institute, the driver asked Nate: "Do you see those lions? Are you afraid of those lions?" to which he answered very matter-of-factly: "No, they're just statues." The cab driver had a really good laugh.
The wedding and reception were held at the South Shore Cultural Center, a beautiful location right on the lake. Nate did a lot of running around with a boy a little bit younger than him and before long we were all exhausted. Gone are the days of being one of the last couples to leave the reception.
Sunday morning we decided to head out to breakfast rather than eat in the hotel. Nate was a little restless so I took him for a walk while we waited for our food. It was a cool morning and the streets and sidewalks were empty. We ended up in Federal Plaza which contains the sculpture Flamingo by Alexander Calder.
Following breakfast we packed up the car and drove north to Wrigleyville to attend church with my in-laws good friends. By that time the clouds had broken and we ended up with a beautiful fall day. Nate slept soundly during the drive home.
sacrifice
I had a draft post started that was going to be your run-of-the-mill "rob posts about some amazing new cameras or lenses or whatever." This summer has been pretty exciting as far as that is concerned, but the post felt hollow and empty after this past Sept 1.
On that Tuesday, in lieu of layoffs or furloughs, my company cut everyone's pay by 10% for the remainder of the year. And, while I'm very grateful to have a job and while I certainly recognize the room for belt-tightening in our finances, I was worried and stressed. I don't think things are magically going to turn around on 01/01/2010.
But these worries seem silly too as people I know or people I'm acquainted with are unemployed or looking at losing half their income.
Then, later that day, my mom emailed me a video file and I realized that this is what I should be writing about.
The file was a 1996 or 1997 interview my paternal grandfather gave World War II historians of the US Army's 12th Armored Division. They simply asked him to recount his time in the Army from when he was drafted until he was discharged. It's not a terribly long story (the video is about 20 minutes) and he and I have talked many times before about his time in the service.
But my point here is this: I far too often forget how blessed I am. How tightening the budget by 10% is so minuscule an act compared to the sacrifices made by our grandparents generation (multiple times within their lifetimes, might I add). 400,000+ sacrificed their lives and millions more sacrificed the food on their tables and the clothes on their backs.
This may seem hyperbolic, but we (as a generation) really do not understand how good we have it. This is natural, given how far we are removed from these time periods, but it's something that I think should be dwelled upon.
This shouldn't be something that needs reminding, but I indeed can lose sight of what's really important. And so, while I'm grateful for what I have, more importantly I'm grateful for the people I have around me.
clean break
Yesterday I spent a rare day out of the office and in the field, as it were. It was actually a rail yard and therefore mostly gravel and broken pavement and dust and wind.
I was there to film a safety video and it was difficult and hot but overall good. I don't spend many days wearing safety boots and a hard-hat and safety glasses but at least I was wearing jeans and a short sleeve shirt and not a tie.
An added bonus of the day was that we finished up a little early and I was able to make it home earlier than normal. helloheather suggested we head out to a community water park and we left a few minutes after I arrived home.
So, it is only a little ironic that, part-way through our fun time at the water park, I broke one of my toes. It would have been more ironic if I had broken a toe after filming all day about safety at water parks, (which I hadn't been) but still. Broken toe thanks to an underwater obstruction that I didn't anticipate.
I didn't go to the hospital or doctor, because nothing can be done with a broken toe (unless it's your big one and this isn't). So, I wasn't going to wait hours of my time and a co-pay for someone to tell me 1. yes it's already broken and 2. the only thing you can do is tape it to another toe. I already know what a broken toe looks like (having broken one on my other foot a few years ago through an even MORE IRONIC SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES).
So, I taped it to another toe and am now hobbling around. I didn't let the injury ruin my time at the water park though. Nate had a blast and so did we. It was a really great way to end the day.
Nathan at Three
I've been struggling with what to say to describe Nate at three years of age. I read through "Nathan at Two" and was intimidated by my own post. I really like it; it was written from the heart and with very little editing. The words swept onto the page.
We've had a busy late spring/summer. It's been difficult to sit down for a bit and contemplate his 3rd year.
Nate is three years-old now. When I think about his first few weeks after his birth I can't help but think of the blooming of the hostas in our yard. I think about, of all things, the All Star Game and the night I sat watching the tv with him, fast asleep, on a pillow on my lap, the sun setting behind our linden tree and the warm air skittering in through the open patio door. He was so small...so fragile...and I was so afraid.
And now, as the hostas again are blooming, he sits and reads books with us. Now he asks question after question after question to the point where he has so much momentum going that he'll ask us things like "what's 'milk' means?" even though he has been drinking milk for two years. He is amazingly curious and perceptive. He knows, right away, when helloheather and I are starting to have an argument and does everything he can to stop it or distract us. It's sobering and sometimes frightens me to think of what else he has absorbed and is absorbing.
As most children his age, he pushes the boundaries. We try very hard to respond appropriately to these forays into freedom. We try to be firm but fair and we try to be instructive throughout. It's tough though and sometimes we fail. If nothing else, Nate keeps us on our toes.
His love for books continues unabated. We seem to run through these phases where I forget how much he loves to read and we end up playing cars or pirates or "chase me" or whatever game he wants and then have only time for a single book in the evening. So the pendulum will swing back and we'll end up reading a dozen books together and he'll ask questions the whole time through. He doesn't just sit there and have a book read to him...he participates and he is engaged.
He's figuring out the rules of this universe, and we're trying to figure him out as well. He's so enthusiastic that sometimes it takes my breath away. Happy Birthday, Nate.
summer solstice
Yesterday was the summer solstice and so we will receive one second less light than the day before. Tomorrow: 9 seconds. The march to the maximum rate of change at the equinox has begun.
Length of Day - 15h 16m - Tomorrow will be 0m 9s shorter
Source: http://www.wunderground.com/US/IL/Crystal_Lake.html
I always get a little melancholy around the summer solstice because it seems like I'm just getting into a summer stride when our evenings begin to peel away like that of the skin of an apple. Slowly as we revolve and rotate, the length of our day is stripped and discarded. And so I have striven to celebrate our summer solstice each year. I want to revel in the maximum amount of light afforded us on this day.
Sunday I was awake close to, but not at, sunrise in order to view (and photograph) the last event of this years Great Galena Balloon Race. The weather did not afford us much sunlight, however, and we had to make due.
After arriving home in the early afternoon, we hatched a plan to eat an early dinner and headed out to a CL institution: The Freeze. Nate had his very first ice cream cone last night and I think that is celebration enough. He enjoyed the ice cream and was amazed when I took a BITE of my cone. (He actually said "wow!" when I showed him what I had done.)
We followed up ice cream with a visit to Veteran's Acres for swings and playground equipment and a pond with various bull frogs, turtles, fish, ducks, and one confused goose (who seemed to treat a mated pair of ducks as friends, if not parents).
While we missed the actual sunset of solstice, this was a very successful solstice celebration.
Notes notes notes
- lots of people coming later this week. lots to do around the house. i should buy charcoal...and beer.
- swing set is finished (save the anchoring of the swing arm legs). i certainly could not have done it without the help of my father, and fathers-in-law, and nate. he helped by keeping us on task: "wait wait, you forgot the slide!!"
- moved rocks for a fire pit. hopefully we'll be able to try it out this weekend. lots of branches (some very dry, some green) to use up.
- having a new 1TB hard drive for photo and video storage has lifted a big bundle of stress. we have enough external storage for backups (for now) and should be set for a while.
- in a related note: i really need to do something about hellophotos.com. the load times are getting pretty long. i don't know if migrating to the latest version of the software is going to help...but the thought of migrating 11,000+ photos is daunting.
- 42 days from now we'll have the same amount of light during the day as we are having today. while i do enjoy celebrating the summer solstice, i'm also a little melancholy at the thought of the light beginning to retreat so soon. we're just now getting consistent warm temps...
- i've started using a twitter account (which updates facebook) to note positive things that have happened to me. i don't think it's going to last very long (by that i mean i'll get busy and find excuses to do other things than update twitter) but i hope that it combats some of the cynicism that has been hanging around my brain for far too long.
- somewhat ironically: i cannot keep up with the amount of information being thrown at me. between facebook, twitter, and flickr, i just can't keep up. this is not an aggregation issue, this is an absorption issue. for example: i have just finished watching the dvd's from season 1 of a canadian tv show called Intelligence. i could only tell you a couple of the characters names. the sub-plots fly like falling maple leaves in the fall. it's a good show and i like it...but i just don't have the capacity to absorb it all these days. so i don't try. the problem with this is the effect spills over to other areas of my life. i get so full that i don't remember important dates or items on my to-do list, let alone what my friends are up to.
- our anniversary is this weekend.
that is all...for now...
