Nathan at Four
Today Nate turned four years-old and, unlike many days in the past month, it wasn't as difficult as it could have been. Summer camp actually went well, without us getting a phone call or a note sent home; there were only two or three complete meltdowns without the slightest provocation; and there was very little talking back.
I'm not sure what happened to my little boy, but something significant has changed. Maybe it's the age, maybe it's the pressure from Lily's birth, maybe it's the sudden discontinuation of naps, maybe it's something we're doing wrong. Or maybe it's all of those things and more.
I've not written anything in a long while for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I don't have anything to say that wouldn't sound selfish and lame. There is no doubt that, compared to a huge percentage of the world, I am a very, very blessed man. And for me to complain about our problems at home or my problems at work seems arrogant at best. But that doesn't make the struggle any less of a struggle.
I love him so very much. I wish I could figure out what's wrong and help him (and us) through this change. But most of the time I am floundering and gasping for air.
We're still trying though.
Edit/Update: It seems really unfair of me to focus on just this past month and just the problems of this past month at that. I'm going to write something more balanced in a couple days.
four at four weeks
Lily is four weeks old today. I've been back at work for two weeks now and life has proven to be...challenging.
I'm still amazed that we have another child. It feels so different from when Nate was a newborn: 
helloheather and I could concentrate 100% on him when we wanted to. With Lily, I feel a lot like the 3rd wheel (despite clearly being the 4th...) in our family. Nate takes a lot of energy and time and with Lily nursing, there's very little time for me to spend with her.
In many ways, she feels like a stranger. It doesn't help that I don't get much of a chance to photograph her. I think with Nate I got to know him, in part, by simply observing and photographing him. And it doesn't help that, most nights, she cries from about 6pm (when I get home) until about 10pm.
But last night she was content and happy. Last night she fell asleep in my arms (and against my chest) as I walked around while helloheather and Nate ate dinner. And last night helloheather took some photos of us.
We're having a visit from friends a couple times next week, which will be great. Then Lily's baptism-combination-Mother's-Day-celebration with family on the weekend.
And we will see how the next month progresses. I'm hopeful we can help Lily adjust more in the evenings and figure out how we can become a better family of four.
a reminder of why I don’t treat myself very often
With this being the last day of work for me for the year and with the snow falling so beautifully in the city, I thought I would treat myself to a mocha from Caribou Coffee. This would mean taking a longer route to work from my train and I could enjoy the combination of a hot chocolaty beverage, the crisp air, falling snow, and the slushy sidewalks. I like that sorta thing...it charges the batteries. Next time, though, I'm going to just settle for a longer walk and warm myself with thoughts of the free coffee at work. Why?
$4.
$4, after tax, for a small mocha (and that chocolate-covered coffee bean they give you).
Now, mind you, it's probably been 9 months (or more) since I've set foot in any coffee chain store. And certainly their mocha's are tasty (better than Starbucks IMHO) and certainly the staff is friendly and fast and certainly they're in a good location (right in my station in Chicago). But seriously. $4.
Shame on me for not looking at the price board before ordering.
reflection
(I've had this entry sitting in my drafts folder since June. I don't know how to finish it, so I'm posting it as is.)
On his 31st birthday, nearly a year after starting out on the great exploration of the Louisiana Purchase with William Clark, Meriwether Lewis wrote the following entry in his journal:
August 18, 1805
Meriwether LewisI soon obtained three very good horses. for which I gave an uniform coat, a pair of legings, a few handkerchiefs, three knives and some other small articles the whole of which did not cost more than about 20$ in the U' States. the Indians seemed quite as well pleased with their bargin as I was. the men also purchased one for an old checked shirt a pair of old legings and a knife.
This day I completed my thirty first year, and conceived that I had in all human probability now existed about half the period which I am to remain in this Sublunary world. I reflected that I had as yet done but little, very little, indeed, to further the hapiness of the human race, or to advance the information of the succeeding generation. I viewed with regret the many hours I have spent in indolence, and now soarly feel the want of that information which those hours would have given me had they been judiciously expended. but since they are past and cannot be recalled, I dash from me the gloomy thought, and resolved in future, to redouble my exertions and at least indeavour to promote those two primary objects of human existence, by giving them the aid of that portion of talents which nature and fortune have bestoed on me; or in future, to live for mankind, as I have heretofore lived for myself.
reference (emphasis mine)
Here I am, 3 years past that point wondering the same thing. Except, of course, I've done nothing as awe-inspiring as explore and rigorously document the Louisiana Purchase. I don't know. In two more years I will reach the half-way point in my life (God willing). What have I done? What can I do? There were times when it felt like the answer was: most anything, but for a long time it's felt like: nearly nothing.
mixed media
Nate was given a gift recently: a big book of Thomas the Tank Engine stories. It has little illustrations around which the text flows. Nate doesn't recognize any of the engines though and keeps asking again and again what their names are. Having only experienced Thomas on the TV I can imagine the images on the page are off just enough to cause confusion.
-----
The other night he was asking in a very earnest (and not whining) way to watch "Lightning McQueen" and specifically "the race and the lady singing and Lightning McQueen comes out of Mack." (By which he means the beginning of the movie which features a Sheryl Crow song.) But we were eating dinner and were not going to be watching tv any time soon. So I thought I would offer a treat/compromise. I grabbed the soundtrack (a recently acquired item that he had not heard) and started to play the Sheryl Crow track.
Poor guy, he was so confused. He was looking around and around for a TV thinking I had put the DVD in somewhere and he just couldn't quite find it. When I explained to him it was just the music he wanted none of it. And I can't blame him. I should have know that it was not a good substitute. It would be like asking for ice cream and instead being shown pictures of someone else eating ice cream.
two thoughts on clothes
1
Every year, when I had my review at work, I'd fill out the space available for comments with the same basic idea:
It would be great if the company business casual a try. A good test could be over the summer and on Fridays only. If people don't abuse it, it could be a permanent Friday thing.
And every year, everyone who saw my review above my boss (directors, vice presidents, various HR staff etc) would ignore it.
Eventually my review form was changed and I no longer had a comments section. (I have no idea if this was a corporate-wide change to the forms or if it was just me. I didn't talk to anyone else about it.)
We got a new CEO in January (after the previous one retired). He's young and full of energy and approved a summer test (starting the Friday before Memorial Day and ending the Friday before Labor Day) of business casual attire. After 10 years it finally has happened.
Except, I sorta have run into a problem: I don't really have any business casual attire. I do have some short-sleeved shirts, but the weather hasn't been quite that warm yet.
The dress code for this test is pretty much: "men can take off their ties and everything else stays the same." But taking off a tie while wearing a dress shirt, to me, just looks like you forgot your tie... You don't look business casual you look business neglectful.
2
Speaking of cool temps...each spring I find it really difficult to stop wearing a coat. I keep walking around thinking I left something or lost something but I just don't know what it is... And then I remember that I'm not wearing a coat and I'm fine for about 10 minutes. Then the feelings start all over again. The first time I sit down in my car to drive to the train station without 2 coats, a hat, gloves, and a sled dog team, I am thrown for a loop.
This long winter and cool spring (save a few days) has reinforced these feelings even more. Not wearing a coat just feels wrong. So on those few warm days that we've been able to gather up, I still have had a spring jacket on. Even if it means carrying it in the heat of the afternoon, I still take one with. I just don't trust Mother Nature. I think she's just waiting to throw a curve ball made of snow...
the morning so far
- coworker brings my recently printed document to me from the printer.
- discover I'm out of staples. refills as well as new automatic cyborg-like stapler back where printer sits.
- walk out of cube and immediately turn around to grab coffee cup (staples and coffee in adjacent and connected rooms) for first cup of the day.
- walk out of cube without document.
- walk back into cube.
- spot folder I will need for 9 am meeting under some papers. set coffee cup and document down to uncover folder so I don't forget it later.
- walk out of cube without coffee cup.
- walk back into cube and grab coffee cup.
- fill cup with the last of the coffee. start a new pot.
- use cyborg-like stapler to staple document.
- return to cube with stapled document, full coffee cup, and no refills for own stapler.
- go to 9 am meeting.
an uneasy feeling
Last week the husband of a coworker passed away.
The next day the father-in-law of another coworker, passed away.
The grandfather of a friend passed away during the week as well.
On Saturday, my doctors house burned to the ground.
Today, a neighbors house was destroyed in a fire.
Thankfully, in both fires, no one was injured.
And so I hold Nate and Heather a little tighter when we have a family hug.
negative 10 deg F
I had two rolls of film developed recently. On one roll were my photos from January 15th and 16th. You may recall that those were the days when it was bitterly cold (-18 deg).
Well, around 4:30 pm, on January 15th it was a balmy -10 deg F. with a wind-chill of around -20. Walking from work to the train station I encountered the following scene:
I don't know why he was wearing only a thin sweatshirt, shorts, and below-ankle socks...but he was. A very dangerous thing to do...
yellow and blue
What to say? There was another (apparent) suicide, this morning, along the Metra train line I use. This time it was in Palatine. It was not my train but two trains in front of us.
Seeing a person covered by a plastic sheet on TV is an abstraction. Seeing a plastic sheet half-on and half-off the railroad tracks 5 feet from you, as your train creeps by at a few miles per hour, is a blow to the stomach. The police mill around, waiting for the coroner. The railroad employees cluster together waiting to (I'm assuming) inspect the track and the train. No one is near the body or even really looking that way. The person is a Something that has Happened. They are alone along the tracks where they came to rest.
Today, the person was covered in blue plastic. The last time this happened, there was one person, but there were two separate pieces of yellow plastic along the rails. I say this not to disturb or disgust but to impart a sense of importance: When you are around trains, please be aware. While this person (appeared to) set out to kill himself, there are others that are left alone along the tracks covered in plastic because of stupidity, because of ignorance, and because of carelessness. Don't be any of those things. Be safe and be smart.
unsure of how I did it, but I did
I did not have the car towed last night. The truck wasn't going to get there until 12:45 am and I wasn't going to go out in the cold and come back by 2:00 am only to get up again at 5:30. So I left the car in the parking lot over night and called a cab to drive me to the station in the morning.
It was -22 this morning. I don't know what the windchill was but it cut deep into my body. It was very cold. The trains were running late but no one knew that. So we all filed out of the station and stood on the platform only to have an express train whip by at 60 mph blowing snow and even more cold air (was it possible?) through our bones.
Through a complicated series of events that are needless to describe, Heather ended up at the train station with a tow truck tonight at 5:00 or so. On the off chance the car would start, she tried it. And lo and behold, the car (eventually) started. No jump, no chicken's blood, no nothing. The tow truck driver said it smelled like I had flooded the car. If I had, I have no idea how I did it. Maybe, because I was wearing boots (which I almost never drive in), when I sat down in the car last night I hit the accelerator pedal? I don't know....but leave it to me to screw up starting a car.
Anyway, Heather was nice enough to hang out while my car warmed up and Nate got to sit in the drivers seat of the tow truck. Hooray for nice tow truck drivers. 
After she was satisfied the car wasn't going to up and quit again, she left and my train pulled in 15 minutes later. I had a (relatively speaking) warmed up car to drive home. Thank you, dear.
Tomorrow it's going to be 21 or 22 deg. F above zero. A 40 degree temperature shift in one day. Amazing.
recent news
I'm sick...I have a cold and I feel awful. I'm really glad I'm on vacation (starting tomorrow) until the 5th. I need sleep and I need food. (I can always tell when I'm getting sick because my appetite jumps through the roof.)
Also, my company is closing one of three large facilities, suspending a major project, and is laying off over 200 people. I have tried really hard not to be doom-and-gloom about the economy, because Fear Is The Mind Killer, but this is not good. I am still employed...but I'm more uncertain than ever.
What is life but a completely unfair crock
Three years ago a coworker was diagnosed with cancer.
He fought and fought and won. He beat cancer into submission. He returned to work and even had the opportunity to travel to Japan.
Yesterday he suffered a massive brain hemorrhage. Today he passed away.
What more can be said?
A relationship strained
Because the 30 deg F high today is going to be the warmest it will be all week, I took the opportunity to walk up to Gamma in order to drop of my recently completed roll of film from my pinhole camera. The camera takes 120 roll film and, given how poorly my last rolls of film faired at the hands of Wolf Camera (who sends it out to who knows where), I thought it better to let the professionals do the processing.
I've not been to Gamma in a long while (because I've not been shooting 120 film or 35mm slide film recently) and so I did not know that they've instituted a minimum charge of $10 for all orders. As I only wanted my film developed (normally a $5.50 charge) I now have to pay $10.90 for the same service. This additional cost has put something of a strain on my already tenuous relationship with film.
I enjoy film, especially the much larger negatives produced by 120 film. I don't subscribe to "Film vs. Digital" arguments because film and digital image capture are not mutually exclusive. Film is simply a different medium than digital just like painting is different than sculpture.
Shooting with my Holga camera and my pinhole (both of which take 120 film) is a /fun/ process. It's so different than shooting digital or even 35mm film. But using these cameras, due to the film, is also a pretty significant expense. Or rather, my approach to photography means shooting film is very expensive, especially if you're looking at anything outside the color (C41) 35mm world. The most cost-effective solution to shooting film actually seems to be to return to true B&W photography. Souping your own chemicals and developing your own film at home can be done for pennies, but requires a decent buy-in of hardware and is time consuming.
The middle-ground of "occasional" film users is now washed away. The digital market has reduced demand far enough that consolidation and elimination of luxuries like inexpensive 3rd party processing for the amateur is, at least in Chicago, a thing of the past. Couple this with the amount of work it takes to either print the images or scan them (at questionable quality) and I have to closely examine my relationship with film. Digital's low cost per-shot has made film's expenses too large to be comfortable with anymore. Yet I've maintain a fridge full of film waiting to be shot…nay, wanting to be shot.
I'm not sure how to proceed. Sell the film at a considerable loss? Use the film at considerable expense of both time and money? There's no clear path.
Uh oh…
When helloheather, nathan, and I spent part of the weekend at the Marriot, our Canon A80 did a strange thing. At high-ISO, when the camera was trying to "gain-up" the LCD to approximate the shot (as 99.9% of all digital cameras do) strange horizontal lines appeared in the images. At first I though it had something to do with the humidity/moisture from the pool-area getting into the camera body (as the body is partially open due to the camera being dropped 3 times).
The problem seemed to go away on its own by the next day which certainly seemed to indicate a moisture issue.
But it happened last night, and most certainly there were no pools around.
(click for a resized version of the original image)
In this example, the lines appear vertical because the camera was rotated 90 deg for the shot. I also used the "Equalize" feature of Photoshop to more clearly define the lines. For a copy of the original file click here: IMG_3619.JPG
The lines showed up intermittently in images last night and eventually disappeared. This morning the camera is presenting the lines in images, but again, only when the camera attempts to "gain-up" the LCD.
At this point the camera simply cannot be trusted for indoor photography which sucks because it's been our carry-everywhere camera for so long. I'll continue to use it for my photography walks during lunch but beyond that it would seem the A80 is not long for this world...
Because I'm a geek, here are some stats:
First photo: Dec 1, 2003
# of photos by Dec 1, 2004: 9545
# of photos by Dec 1, 2005: 17918
# of photos by Oct 21, 2006: 23490
We've more than gotten our moneys worth, that's for sure.