But my lack of blogging has also meant that I've not written anything about the amazing girl that has sprung forth from infant-hood. I really regret not seizing verbal snapshots and snippets of Lily's second year and putting them here in this blog for as much me to remember, as others to read.

Lily has certainly not lost her independent streak. No, far from waning, it's redoubled as she approaches two. The subject line is, or at least was until very recently, her very, very favorite thing to say.

NO NO NOWAY NOWAY

But she's oh so daring on her own. Fearless in the face of most things (except for the time I accidentally scared her and she went running from the room) and smart as a whip. She recognized (uppercase, of course), and could say, every letter in the alphabet by 19 months and numbers one through ten followed shortly thereafter. Lately she's been doing a little sing-song-y counting from one to fifteen.

Earlier in 2011 I was, as is typical of me, a little worried about her lack of interest in books. It was such a contrast from Nate at the same age. But that has completely changed and she is a voracious consumer of books. Every time we hang out in the front room she brings me book after book to read.

But in some ways, the past 10 months have not been a lot different than the first 12. She still goes to bed soon after I arrive home from work and as a result, I still get to see and interact with her, at most, an hour a day during the work week. And during that time I'm also trying to eat dinner, interact with Nate and Heather. There is no point in trying to keep her awake later, because she is clearly done for the day and that would be selfish of me. When she doesn't nap, she's in bed 30 minutes after I arrive home. And with work being the way it has been, there have been times when I have not seen her for more than 48 hours, despite living in the same house.

This is the real reason for my regret in not blogging: I know I have forgotten hosts of small special moments of the time I do have with her. My brain just will not retain them (and I do try to store, I really do). And while my New Years Resolution to blog more has not gotten off to a good start, I hope this is the first step to meeting it and thereby helping my own brain remember the times I do have with her.

Anyway, the quick jump to 90 deg yesterday was nice. A bit hot when mowing the lawn but I'll take it over having to wear winter clothes at the end of May.

We all went to the Crystal Lake Memorial Day parade yesterday. That was a lot of fun. Pretty short but, for Nate and Lily, just the right length. We parked in the train station parking lot and literally walked 10 feet forward to put our chairs in the shade right along the parade route. We brought water and snacks but still, I walked down the street to get popcorn from Pop's Corn Crib (a CL staple). I bought flags for the kids to wave [which lasted for all of 2 minutes ]. Three marching bands, lots and lots of Cub and Boy Scouts, veterans, and police and fire. Lily was not sure what to make of it all and just stared and stared; Nate was pretty good but was a little intimidated by the loudness of the marching band so hung back a bit.

Looks like the warm weather should stick with us for this week. Hopefully that will translate into productive play (and some yard work) in the evenings.

This past year has been a lot of work. I love my daughter, so very much, but I've spent so many days this past year arriving home within 20 to 30 minutes of her needing to go to sleep that I feel like I barely know her. There have been times when I've not seen her for 36 hours, despite being in the same home. And so the moment I get a bead on what she's doing, where I think she's going, she's off in another, unexpected, direction. She is head-strong & stubborn, adventurous & loving, opinionated & mischievous. She is our daughter and she is Nate's sister.

Happy Birthday, Lillian Claire. I know this next year will be as interesting as the first. My only wish is that you and I can connect and get to know each other a lot more.

Lily made it through her first Christmas season fairly well. Despite being carted around and having dozens of people interact with her, she mostly maintained her chipper spirits and will-do attitude. She wasn't so much interested in opening presents and more interested in grabbing whatever Nate was opening, who in-turn was interested in opening both his and Lily's gifts, so it worked out in a circular-sort-of-way.

Nate seemed to enjoy himself as well. This is the first Christmas that he's been super excited about Santa. He became very shy (heartbreakingly so) when meeting Santa in downtown CL last week; you could just see the awe. After all our family events though, I could tell that he was ready to be done. This made yesterday's day off nice. He and I got out in the snow for some great play yesterday evening and hopefully we can do it again next Monday.

One of the gifts Heather and I gave each other were two large prints that we'll have professionally framed. I'm really looking forward to completing this and getting them up on the wall. The prints look great and I'm inspired to do more printing in 2011.

Usually I'd be on vacation for the rest of the year, but with the time I took off when Lily was born, I'm at work for 3 days this week. It's a little strange riding a fairly empty train and having so few people in the office. I feel like I missed a memo or a major news item or something.

I hope everyone else had a good Christmas and here's to the new year: 2011 should be interesting indeed.

Interestingly enough, our first snow of the year Nate was born was also Dec 1st, but then it was like 12" in 1 day. We didn't take Nate outside to experience it until Dec 7th:
http://helloheather.livejournal.com/404451.html

I makes me immensely happy to have photos of both kids in the same snowsuit.

Because she wakes up so early she is, essentially, done for the day by 6:30pm. Unfortunately, I don't arrive home from work until 6:00pm. And in that time I try and change, eat dinner, say more than "hello" to helloheather and try and reconnect with Nate.

It's really hard to try and fit in quality Lily time as well. Most mornings I have some time, as helloheather often brings her into our room to wake me up. So, when you add it all up, I see her for about 30 minutes a day during the week. For the past two months or so I just give up dinner in favor of interacting with her and playing with Nate whenever possible. If Lily's had a rough day and not napped well, she'll be asleep before I get home so I don't see her for 24 hours.

This is a real struggle, because Lily is growing up so fast. She's been crawling for a while and is now pulling herself up to standing on nearly everything and everyone she can. She's already moving (literally) into the next big stage of her babyhood. With Nate, I had so much more time with him...I felt like I knew so much more about him by now. With Lily, I feel like a frequent visitor.

Part of my struggle too, is discovering the subtle (and not so subtle) ways she is different than Nate. I'm not so much expecting her to be like Nate was at this age; it's more that I'm surprised at the differences and feel like I should have a better understanding of who she is. This is silly, of course, because who she is is a baby constantly learning, adapting, and changing.

So, despite the cliché: the weekends matter. They matter a lot.

I'm not sure what happened to my little boy, but something significant has changed. Maybe it's the age, maybe it's the pressure from Lily's birth, maybe it's the sudden discontinuation of naps, maybe it's something we're doing wrong. Or maybe it's all of those things and more.

photo by helloheather

I've not written anything in a long while for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I don't have anything to say that wouldn't sound selfish and lame. There is no doubt that, compared to a huge percentage of the world, I am a very, very blessed man. And for me to complain about our problems at home or my problems at work seems arrogant at best. But that doesn't make the struggle any less of a struggle.

I love him so very much. I wish I could figure out what's wrong and help him (and us) through this change. But most of the time I am floundering and gasping for air.

We're still trying though.

Edit/Update: It seems really unfair of me to focus on just this past month and just the problems of this past month at that. I'm going to write something more balanced in a couple days.

I'm still amazed that we have another child. It feels so different from when Nate was a newborn: helloheather and I could concentrate 100% on him when we wanted to. With Lily, I feel a lot like the 3rd wheel (despite clearly being the 4th...) in our family. Nate takes a lot of energy and time and with Lily nursing, there's very little time for me to spend with her.

In many ways, she feels like a stranger. It doesn't help that I don't get much of a chance to photograph her. I think with Nate I got to know him, in part, by simply observing and photographing him. And it doesn't help that, most nights, she cries from about 6pm (when I get home) until about 10pm.

But last night she was content and happy. Last night she fell asleep in my arms (and against my chest) as I walked around while helloheather and Nate ate dinner. And last night helloheather took some photos of us.

We're having a visit from friends a couple times next week, which will be great. Then Lily's baptism-combination-Mother's-Day-celebration with family on the weekend.

And we will see how the next month progresses. I'm hopeful we can help Lily adjust more in the evenings and figure out how we can become a better family of four.

We've had a family member pass away suddenly and unexpectedly. We've had other family members hospitalized and/or have medical procedures. We've had family members lose their jobs. We've had medical problems ourselves, some of which are still unresolved.

We have stress thinking about the pending birth of our second child (a child who still doesn't have a name) and the changes that will bring.

Oh, and our cat is sick. She has to be put on an even more special food than what she's already been taking and will start getting cortisone shots which, if the diagnosis is wrong, could actually make things worse.

I'm trying to think positively though. I'm still employed and financially things are improving for the company. Also the company went 100% business casual which is a nice change. The weather has been improving and I've been able to get out during lunch. Also bernhard.us et al will be migrated to new servers in a couple weeks which should make things much faster and more stable.

It's a half-mile hike through the snow in Coral Woods with four stops detailing some of the history of maple sugar and maple syrup: from Native Americans sugar production in a hollowed-out log to modern sap collection. At the end, where they have an evaporator set up, you can sample the syrup they do make from the sap being collected. As the program only runs for two weeks there's only enough syrup to give out the tastes at the end, so none to take home.

This years warmer temps and sun made for a great time. Nate was very interested and participated at all the stops. He also received a number of complements from people in our group with how articulate and involved he was. By the time we were done with our tour, the number of people at the park had probably quadrupled. So we had clearly arrived at just the right time.

During the drive home, I failed to keep Nate awake (and who could blame him after our morning), which re-set his clock and left helloheather and I with a lot less time to work on house stuff. So...

Off Nate and I went again; this time to the Crystal Lake Nature Center. It's a small but fun building that is part of the Veteran's Acres park. We read books, looked at some of the animals they have, and then hiked in the slush and snow around the pond.

It was a good Saturday. The kind of hints-of-spring type day (we heard sandhill cranes flying north while at Coral Woods) that really can reinvigorate.

Nate went through a growth spurt not too long ago, where he grew over an inch in just 2.5 weeks. He was hungry all the time (no wonder) but now the appetite is more normal, so I think things have slowed.

I made a ha-ha-lame joke last night about how it's better to be European than Europoopin' and then had to explain the joke to Nate. He loved it and I'm just such a great dad, right? (You should have seen the look helloheather gave me...)

Nate's time at his new preschool seems to be going very well. A small class of kids more his age was definitely a good change. Our school-art-on-display collection is growing again, which I love. Having stuff on the cabinets, doors, etc. is so cool. When helloheather cleaned house (we had completely run out of space to display stuff) it felt so empty and naked in the kitchen.

Child number two is rapidly approaching his or her birthday. We've changed doctors (yes, somewhat late in the game) but we're both very glad we have. The previous practice was not being supportive or informative. The new doctor also delivers at the hospital 5 minutes from our house rather than the one 25 minutes away. An added bonus.

My parents (and paternal grandfather) felt the 3.8 earthquake we had in northern Illinois on February 10th. They were only 5 miles away from the epicenter though. People as far away as Madison, WI felt the quake actually, but neither helloheather or I woke up.

We did have an addition to our family, photographically speaking, at Christmas. Thanks to a generous gift, we're now the owners of a Canon T1i Digital Rebel. It's a very good upgrade to the Rebel XT that we've been using since 2006. The auto-focus is faster, the ISO range expanded, a bigger and brighter viewfinder, the shutter is quieter, and it has a big and detailed LCD. Exciting stuff.

This was the first time Nate and I were home alone.

We did not thwart the bumbling efforts of two would-be criminal types. John Hughes would not have been impressed.

Still, we had fun. I built a fort in our front room on Friday night and Nate and I had a camp-out. He did ask if we were going to have a camp-fire but alas, prudence dictated no open flame in the foyer.

I built our fort out of the kitchen chairs, a blanket, a couple strong clips, and our Therm-a-rest (tm) sleeping pads. It was fun. I have very fond memories of my dad building me a fort like this when I was a kid and it was nice to be able to do this for Nate.

Most of the time we just hung out. We played a lot of Cars (tm) which he's /really/ into right now. This was, in part, because I gave him a new car ("Sheriff") as a gift for the weekend. We also visited with another dad, who's wife was on the weekend retreat, and had lunch with him at the Burger King (which has a play area).

We had so much fun with the fort that we slept there again Saturday night, even though helloheather had returned home.

Christmas was busy, as usual, with events every day from the 24th through the 27th. But, despite the big snowfall, and the driving around, it was really all very good. Nate was a trouper and really seemed to enjoy visiting the family. Lots of photos need to be posted.

We visited the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum after Christmas, mostly to see the Butterfly Haven they have there. I really thought Nate would enjoy it, but he was not impressed. There were other exhibits he liked though, and overall the visit was a good one. Also, with so many people being off work the week between Christmas and New Years, we had no problems driving into and out of Chicago.

Nate and I also spent a lot of time outside in the snow over break, which was really great. I'm very glad we've had all the snow and that it's been cold enough to keep it from melting. Though, I did hear on the news last night that, if it warms up on Wednesday or Thursday, it'll be the first time since Christmas that we've been at or above 32 deg F. So, it's been a little chilly!

Being back at work for a full week (last week) was tough. It's really easy to get into a habit of being lazy and family-oriented around the house and very difficult to get back into work-mode mentality. However, I've managed to chase the mid-day blues away a bit by bringing a DSLR to work and walking around in the cold and snow. Boots and thermals have been a must.

So 2010 is here and the end of March is rapidly approaching. I'm still not really ready for all of this but it's certainly not waiting for me to catch up.

Recently I've given Nate one of my film cameras, an Olympic Stylus Epic, and set him up with a couple of rolls of black and white film. He's prefectly happy to just press and press and press the shutter button photographing nothing or photographing us. He was having a ton of fun and I was planning on freeing up some space in my film/beer storage fridge.

This weekend helloheather went to Target to shop and to drop off his first roll of Ilford XP2 only to discover that our Target store is no longer developing film. Now they only have a send out service and it takes 7-10 days. My experience with send-out services has been...less than pleasant. I'm expecting the scans to be pretty bad. I'm expecting the negatives to look like they've been walked over by a dozen people.

For better or worse, the world of film is certainly not doing well... I enjoyed using it this summer as it, once again, forced me to slow down a bit and consider the shot. It helped too that I was limiting myself to a single focal length (50mm). I enjoyed the color palette I was getting from (expired) Kodak UC 400. And yeah, I cleared out a little more space in that fridge. But I especially enjoyed the 1-day turn-around CD's for so little money at a location that was right on my route home from the train.

I guess if we want to shoot any more film we're going to have to go just a little bit further and pay a little bit more.