cetan's weblog a man, no plan, a blog, golbanalponnama.

reflection

(I've had this entry sitting in my drafts folder since June. I don't know how to finish it, so I'm posting it as is.)

On his 31st birthday, nearly a year after starting out on the great exploration of the Louisiana Purchase with William Clark, Meriwether Lewis wrote the following entry in his journal:

August 18, 1805
Meriwether Lewis

I soon obtained three very good horses. for which I gave an uniform coat, a pair of legings, a few handkerchiefs, three knives and some other small articles the whole of which did not cost more than about 20$ in the U' States. the Indians seemed quite as well pleased with their bargin as I was. the men also purchased one for an old checked shirt a pair of old legings and a knife.

This day I completed my thirty first year, and conceived that I had in all human probability now existed about half the period which I am to remain in this Sublunary world. I reflected that I had as yet done but little, very little, indeed, to further the hapiness of the human race, or to advance the information of the succeeding generation. I viewed with regret the many hours I have spent in indolence, and now soarly feel the want of that information which those hours would have given me had they been judiciously expended. but since they are past and cannot be recalled, I dash from me the gloomy thought, and resolved in future, to redouble my exertions and at least indeavour to promote those two primary objects of human existence, by giving them the aid of that portion of talents which nature and fortune have bestoed on me; or in future, to live for mankind, as I have heretofore lived for myself.

reference (emphasis mine)

Here I am, 3 years past that point wondering the same thing. Except, of course, I've done nothing as awe-inspiring as explore and rigorously document the Louisiana Purchase. I don't know. In two more years I will reach the half-way point in my life (God willing). What have I done? What can I do? There were times when it felt like the answer was: most anything, but for a long time it's felt like: nearly nothing.